Overcoming INFIDELITY: For the Partner Who Strayed
- Dr. Mark Lerner
- Dec 18, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: 18 hours ago
Why Honesty Is Essential for Healing
By Mark D. Lerner, Ph.D.
Principal Consultant and Creator, AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness
When her husband asked what she had done with their engagement and wedding rings while having sex with her lover—beginning just weeks before their wedding day and continuing for years—she said, “I took them off with my clothes and put them in my purse.” When he asked why she hadn't told the truth, she said, “I was only thinking of the big things.” Her cold, dismissive words nearly drove him to end his life.
Have you been unfaithful to your partner—breaking the bond of trust? Has your partner found out that you've betrayed them—triggering the psychological trauma of infidelity? You're not alone. Research points to an epidemic of infidelity in America. I believe this reflects a breakdown of integrity, accountability, and moral responsibility in our society.
If your partner has found out about your infidelity, you may believe that withholding details of what happened, when it happened, and why it happened is protecting them from pain—and protecting you from shame. This belief is understandable—but it’s profoundly mistaken. Holding the truth hostage doesn't protect your partner; it protects you from discomfort while prolonging their grief and suffering.
Infidelity is not what you did. It’s the psychological impact of your actions on your partner—and, oftentimes, your respective friends and loved ones.
I read in a recent article that “Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can have next to losing a child.” That's how devastating betrayal can be. Infidelity can shatter the betrayed’s trust in others—and in their own sense of self. Notably, there's a significant relationship between the realization of infidelity with one's partner and suicide.
A woman who betrayed her husband for over a decade recently shared with me that she needed to “bury” what happened and “just move on.” As I explained to her, denial—including the minimization or distortion of reality—doesn't heal the wounds of infidelity; it only deepens them.
Avoidance is not overcoming—it's a failed escape from truth, accountability, and reality.
When truths and outright lies are disclosed gradually over time—what's often called "Trickle Truth"—the betrayal doesn't end; it continues. Every new story retraumatizes your betrayed partner, compounding deception. Trickle Truth is not delayed honesty—it's ongoing betrayal.
If you want to rebuild your relationship, you must do what a veteran FDNY firefighter and client once shared was important to him—“Own your shit!” You must be willing to face the discomfort, shame, and fear of being outed as unfaithful. This isn't punishment—it’s accountability—and the respect you owe your partner.
Evidence-based interventions with couples grappling with infidelity share a common theme: to overcome infidelity, you must be willing to tell the whole truth—once, clearly, without minimization, justification, or defensiveness—and be willing to answer your partner's questions honestly. The questions you’re facing are not attacks; they’re attempts for your partner to regain a sense of control that you have taken away through your decisions and actions.
You must also be open, receptive, and willing to honestly discuss your decisions and actions as often as your betrayed partner asks. Exposure to the truth—reality—empowers the betrayed to begin coping and accepting a painful reality.
Today, Artificial Intelligence (AI) can provide evidence-based strategies and tools to help you understand what you can do to achieve a desired objective. For example, you can learn how to harness the painful energy caused by your infidelity and betrayal in an effort to rebuild a stronger relationship with your partner. This in fact happens with many couples who grapple with infidelity. AI can help organize your thoughts, reduce your anxiety, and support your decision-making— through honesty.
AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness (AIEW) goes one step further by recognizing that accessible information—technology—doesn't replace our need for human presence. Turn to a loving family member, or a special friend for support.
Healing demands honesty, transparency, and accountability—the truth. I strongly recommend having the benefit of speaking with a mental health professional experienced in helping couples grappling with infidelity. PsychologyToday offers a search engine that can help you find a counselor or therapist in your area.
If you truly wish to overcome infidelity, choosing this path is how you honor your partner’s dignity—and begin repairing what you have broken.
Betrayal does not end when your affair ends. It ends when the whole truth is told.
Thank you so much for sharing this article. It has already helped me to understand the importance of talking this through.
It hurts to read this. But it's spot on.